Love More, Legislate Less

26 Feb

I’m fiercely proud to be from Kentucky. I become down right evangelical about the great Commonwealth that gave the world bourbon, bluegrass, Post-It Notes, traffic signals, the Moonbow of Lake Cumberland, Bibb lettuce, fried chicken, University of Kentucky Basketball, Loretta Lynn, Abraham Lincoln, Mohammad Ali and disco balls. That’s right, folks. Disco balls.

But this morning I nearly burst into tears sitting at my desk as I read the proposal for Senate Bill 180. You see, Senate Bill 180 would legally protect businesses that don’t want to serve gay, lesbian, or transgender customers. Or to say it differently, it would make it legal to discriminate against certain classes of people.

This is not the Kentucky that I am proud of. This is not my Kentucky.

Senator Robinson, a Republican from London said this about SB180, “All of these business owners want to treat everyone with full human dignity and respect. But their consciences and religious beliefs prevent them from using their skills to promote a celebration that runs counter to what the Bible teaches about marriage. Shouldn’t their rights to freedom of speech and freedom of religion be respected?”

Let’s unpack this a little bit.

First he says “All of these business owners want to treat everyone with full human dignity and respect.” What he really seems to mean, is “These business owners want to treat everyone who lives like they do with full human dignity and respect.” I can’t think of anything more disrespectful and less in-line with treating people with dignity than legalizing discrimination.I may not understand Louisville fans, and while I have a sincerely held belief that their lifestyle is wrong, I don’t want to see them go un-served  because of their team affiliation. For all I know, they were born a Louisville fan, and somethings you just can’t change.

Robinson then makes this statement. “But their consciences and religious beliefs prevent them from using their skills to promote a celebration that runs counter to what the Bible teaches about marriage.” Mr. Robinson clearly hasn’t thumbed through his Bible very often and actually read what it says about marriage. In fact, there are a variety of unions and family configurations that were permissible in the cultures and time periods that produced the Bible. These arrangements ranged from monogamy (Titus 1:6) to a man being forced to marry his brother’s widow –never mind if he already has a wife– it seems as though in these instances polygamy was A-OK (Deuteronomy 25:5-10, Genesis 38; Ruth 2-4). In a really shocking twist, rape victims could be forced to marry their rapists (Deuteronomy 22:28-29).

Frankly, I could go on and on, but here’s a handy diagram below that does it much more succinctly.

Senator Robinson’s last point, “Shouldn’t their [the business owner’s] rights to freedom of speech and freedom of religion be respected?” is valid. But it is valid in the same way that the rights and freedoms of all people should be respected. I’m unclear as to why the rights of one group must be limited to protect the rights of another group. No one is stopping these business owners from practicing their religion or stifling their freedom of speech. The only thing they are required to do is is provide the same service to everyone. What these business owners want to do is legalize hate, discrimination, prejudice and bigotry.
This is not my Kentucky. These are not my kinfolk.
If these business owners are truly so concerned with not celebrating anything that runs counter to what the Bible teaches, they shouldn’t be attending any Superbowl parties (Leviticus 11:7), making a cake for anyone who is divorced (Malachi 2:16; Deuteronomy 24:1-4, etc..), and should probably be prepared to die for being open on a Sunday, because well, hey, Exodus 35:2 says that Sunday is the Lord’s day.
Lastly, it’s really easy to pick apart the Bible to prove your point.
I just did it.
Maybe instead of being concerned with the letter of the law, we embrace the spirit of Jesus and spend more time loving people, as they are. After all the second greatest commandment is “Love your neighbor as yourself” Matthew 22:39.
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The Fiddle Dances

21 Jan

First let me be clear about something: The Christian Appalachian Project (CAP) is an amazing organization that has done more good in Eastern Kentucky, and throughout Appalachia in general, than any other organization with which I’m familiar. Furthermore, I am proud (and thankful) to say they are headquartered in Johnson County, Kentucky, my favorite place on the planet. CAP is the 12th largest human charity service in America and provided services for 36,000 Eastern Kentuckians, and reached over one million people in all 13 Appalachian states in 2014. That didn’t happen by accident or dumb luck. It was the result of more than half a century of hard work and ceaseless dedication to bettering the lives of the undeserved populations of Appalachia. I am humbled and honored to have an organization of that caliber working in and around the hills that raised me.

Mountains in my heart

That being said, their newest ad featuring Martin Sheen, –who I firmly believe is the BEST fictional president that this great nation has ever had– is truly appalling.

I’m not saying there isn’t truth to the recently released CAP ad, there is. Eastern Kentucky is different place. We don’t care for change and it takes us a while to warm to new people and new ideas. It is a hard place to eek out a living, and it isn’t getting any easier as jobs run from the hills faster than mountain water runs over limestone. But it is heart-breakingly beautiful, brilliant in its simplicity, and full of people who don’t take themselves too seriously and are loyal to a fault. So CAP please don’t act like poor, unemployed, under-educated, struggling people are all we are, or that the situation is somehow unique to Appalachia. That is a story that resonates across America. The Appalachian refrain just makes for better copy because we have been turned into a comic troupe of toothless hillbillies without running water who can’t do any better so we need a handout from people with the good fortune to have been born somewhere more socially acceptable, like Atlanta, Chicago, or Beverly Hills.

As a child I always wanted to go on church mission trips to developing countries, and while my parents ardently supported travel (I’ve got the passport to prove it) my Dad’s eternal refrain on the subject was:

“If you want to help someone, start in your own backyard. Go up to West Van Lear and volunteer. There are plenty of people there that need your help.”

So I did that. I volunteered with my church youth group and my school right in my backyard like he suggested. It certainly didn’t feel like it at the time, but years later people I worked with and served with told me that my consistent presence made a difference in their lives.  Now that I am older, I see the true value in the idea of improving your own backyard, as well as the danger of dropping into a culture that isn’t your own and trying to change it, even with the best intentions.

To make true change, people have to trust your intentions. Especially in Appalachia. We know if you aren’t invested. We’ve seen lots of companies come in, rape our hills and leave us with little more than the idea that “Coal-mining used to pay real well.” CAP is invested in the communities where they work, but you would never know it from this ad. This ad only tells you children are hungry, but it doesn’t tell you what programs your donation would support or the value of a dollar in the hands of CAP versus the value of a dollar donated to another group.

CAP, you are so clearly invested in Appalachia. You started out helping people in your own backyard in 1964 and that grand tradition has continued. As such an invested community member, because that is what you are, a community member, maybe your next ad will showcase the great things you’ve already accomplished and the projects you continue to support, rather than playing into a stereotype that does nothing but harm the people you already work so hard to help.

Clearly, CAP, you don’t see this ad as harmful. If you did, I feel certain you never would have created it. The one thing Appalachia needs more than anything else is a boost to the economy, an ad like this further hinder any outside investment in developing the local economy in a sustainable fashion. What business will invest in these communities when all they learn about from this 80 second glimpse into the mountains is that we are poor and uneducated? I have a gamblers heart, but my MBA head wouldn’t let me make that bet if this was all I saw about Appalachia.

And Mr. Sheen, if you really want to use your celebratory to help the people of Appalachia, give them a hand-up, not a hand-out. Lobby for a factory to be built in these mountains. Maybe Mitch McConnell will listen to you, he sure doesn’t listen to me. Take a vacation to Red River Gorge or rent a houseboat on Lake Cumberland and see the only moonbow in this hemisphere, and then Tweet and Instagram the heck out of it. Tell your friends to leave the LA sound stages and start filming in Appalachia, we are all getting tired of FX pretending that Pasadena passes for Harlan. It isn’t nearly green enough. Or come for a festival and be amazed at the exquisite hand-made quilts and hear the best bluegrass music of your life. I’m willing to bet you can’t help but dance to the fiddle.

I know that is a hard sell because we are an area of the country known for coal miners and moonshiners, boasting a skill set many times not viewed as commercially applicable at first glance. But we have excellent train lines, winding rivers, and a surplus of 18-wheelers that don’t haul too much stuff now that coal production is down that will get goods in and out with ease. We have amazing natural resources, and beautiful vistas, but what is more, we have an under-utilized, smart, hard-working population that prefers to work for something than have it handed to them.

Finally, I’m not saying don’t donate to CAP. Quite the opposite. Please donate to them. They do excellent work. But for those of you who only see a snippet of this beautiful place I call home, please don’t view this ad as a complete picture of Appalachia or our people. We are more than poor and under-educated, just as you are more than a ditzy surfer from LA-LA land or an unsmiling, hurried jerk from the northeast.

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The Best Version

9 Jan

unpluggedA few weeks ago I had dinner with my girl friends and somehow we got onto the subject of whether or not social media and the incessant noise of “Shelia liked your picture, Ben commented on your photo, Nina is feeling ‘excited’ –starry eyed emoticon– about her date” etc… ad nauseam made the four of us, personally, less happy. There is plenty of research that says in general the ol’ FB is making people less happy, but I was curious if my friends felt like it actually did just that.

They all three said “Yes.”

I was shocked. For me personally, I don’t find that social media makes me less happy, so when my beautiful, smart, accomplished friends said they agreed I wanted to know why.

One friend commented that “Facebook is where everyone presents the very best version of themselves. It can’t possibly be real, and I know that, but it makes me feel like my life can’t compare.”

It was this idea of presenting the “best version” of one’s self that got me thinking, because…

Don’t we always put the best version of ourselves out to the world?

Or at least attempt to?

Most people aren’t going to show up at a job interview wearing dirty clothes. You aren’t going to meet your boyfriends parents wearing the same outfit you would to a Vegas club, (unless his parents own a night club… in which case, I’ve got some great platforms you can borrow). Most of us aren’t going to give our boss the middle finger when he says he needs us work on a project over the weekend. And, *hopefully*, you aren’t going to pick your nose in public and wipe the boogie under a table.

Of course everyone has moments of frustration when their best self is no where to be found and the exasperated, impatient, less than polite alter ego is the one driving the train to crazy town. If you’re anything like me, this is the point where my alter ego is  flying through my veins, like a train with failing brakes coming down a mountain, using my steam whistle-esque mouth to yell at the poor guy who had the unfortunate privilege of answering my call to the airlines customer service counter.

This isn’t my best self. It isn’t someone I am proud of. It certainly isn’t the me that I’m going to put on Facebook or Instagram and proudly proclaim, “Yep! That’s me reducing a call center worker to tears!” #feelingaccomplished 🙂

The reality, at least for me, is that had my Dad, my Grandmother, my friends, Ms. Crumb (my childhood Sunday School Teacher who my Mom was forever saying “Would you do that in front of Ms. Crumb?” if I was doing something naughty) or even another human within earshot who could recount this less than glowing review of my behavior, I would have been calmer.  I would have been more polite. I would probably not have quite the subtraction from my universal Karma account… But because I was alone and the no one near me spoken English I acted ugly.

No one sets out to be this ugly person. It just happens sometimes, regardless of how diligently one tries to put their best foot forward.

And social media is just an extension of that. We are all trying to put our best foot forward. No one wants the wobbly bits, the relationship failures, the second guessings of decisions, the work concerns, the frustrations that we all face in daily life to be showcased. Most of us certainly aren’t going to showcase them ourselves.

So instead we compare ourselves to what we see on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. We see one snippet of a life and because that sliver is pink we assume that everything is rosey. And if by chance we don’t have a similar snippet of pink; the great job, the cute kids doing funny things, the exciting social life, an exotic vacation, or whatever, we assume we are doing something wrong.

Why does a missing piece feel like a failure for some people?

Is this what happens to people who grew up in the age of everyone gets a trophy and no one loses at T-Ball because everyone wins? Do we think that if our lives don’t match our Facebook friends’ lives then somehow we are less than?

I’m not a psychologist. I’m not a sociologist. Or a counselor, a therapist or someone who does research in any of these areas. Quite frankly, I’m not qualified in any scholastic way to comment about how the use of social media impacts our life and our perceptions.

But what I am is a person who uses social media.

A LOT.

I have 2 Facebook accounts, supporting 4 Facebook pages and countless groups. I have two Instagram profiles and three Twitter handles. Name an online dating site and I’ve probably tried it. And I keep two blogs.

I am excessively engaged in social media regardless of how much I want to pretend I am “unplugged”. Hey, after all, my Facebook headline is a picture of my feet and a sign that says ‘Unplug’, and if the ol’ FB says it, it must be true, right?

My point, is merely that it’s not Facebook that makes people less happy, it is  the incessant comparing of our lives to the lives of our peers.

Comparing ourselves to other people is nothing new. We’ve been doing it since the first caveman added that addition with the walk-in saber-tooth tiger freeezer, and I don’t see it ceasing anytime prior to the Earth exploding.

Facebook didn’t create comparisons. But it did make it easier.

The first time I remember comparing myself to someone else I was 5 years old.

FIVE!

I wore glasses, Whitney did not. I was obviously doing better than Whitney because I had a cool fashion accessory while she did not.

I did not understand “cool”.

Imagine my dismay when I learned that glasses weren’t cool, being blind was not a desirable trait, and no one envied my Mickey Mouse specs.

OH THE SHAME!

Not really. I still loved my glasses and cried when I didn’t need to wear them anymore. Clearly, I still wasn’t getting “cool”.

But what I did “get” from that experience was that I’m wasn’t always going to be doing what my friends were doing when they were doing it. And as I got older I realized that putting myself on their timeline was crazy. Because what made sense for other people and their lives didn’t make sense for me and my life.

And I had to live with my life. Not theirs.

My point is, life is beautiful. And amazing. Even when its cruel and hard. And keep sharing the funny pictures and lovely moments that make you happy because so much of what fills up a feed is difficult and hard.

And just remember, while you are silently stalking someone’s Facebook thinking “WOW! They are having a blast!” someone is thinking the same thing about you.

No one is killing it in every area.

I promise.

They are just putting their best face forward.

 

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Sincerely.

1 Jul

I don’t often wax political publicly, especially not in my blogs, but today I find myself stunned by the decision that the Supreme Court made allowing corporations to opt out of covering certain contraceptives if it interferes with “closely held” religious beliefs. There are so many issues with that statement alone, never mind the fact that the spirit of the Constitution was just trampled upon, that I needed to put finger to keyboard to really parse out the meat and meaning of the issue.

Let’s pretend for a moment that this issue has NOTHING to do with contraceptives, and instead pretend this suit was filed over a Hindu or Jewish employer refusing to pay for a heart valve replacement because the valve in question would be coming from a cow or pig. This cow/pig valve operates just like a human heart valve and will save MY LIFE. It is going into MY BODY. Will my theoretical Hindu/Jewish employer be allowed to refuse to cover that procedure? If we are following precedent as the judicial system of the US does (in most states except Louisiana), and I’m unwilling to have a mechanical valve because I don’t want to be on anticoagulants for the rest of my life, the answer should be “Yes”.

EXCEPT, that the Supreme Court put language into the decision preventing employers from denying coverage for other medical procedures and medications.

“This decision concerns only the contraceptive mandate and should not be understood to hold that all insurance mandates, e.g., for vaccinations or blood transfusions, must necessarily fall if they conflict with the employer’s religious beliefs.”

So a Christian Scientist employer can’t refuse to cover vaccinations because it goes against their “closely held” belief, but a Christian employer can refuse to cover contraceptives?

This seems a little discriminatory to me. Which, luckily for me the Supreme Court added some verbiage to the “Burwell v. Hobby Lobby” opinion to address that very issue. The opinion read that the ruling does not “provide a shield for employers who might cloak illegal discrimination as a religious practice.”

I’m certainly glad we cleared up that discrimination issue. I feel much better knowing that I’ll be discriminated against because of my ovaries rather than the fact that I won’t let my child have a life saving blood transfusion.

But, enough about that, let’s circle back to the hot button issue of the day — contraceptives. Under this ruling, Hobby Lobby will stay pay for the pill, they just won’t pay for an IUD or Plan B, because as Hobby Lobby maintains, both those types of medicine cause an abortion.

Except that they don’t, actually.

I have no issue with the owners of Hobby Lobby believing that life begins at conception.  What I do have a problem with is Hobby Lobby pretending they went to medical school, and not arts and crafts camp.  You see, devices like an IUD and pills like Plan B, stop a female from ovulating. in essence it stops the egg and the sperm from ever partying together.  It doesn’t work if you are already pregnant. Hobby Lobby, if you have taken a break from glitter and googly-eyes, and by chance are reading this, let me repeat myself — It doesn’t work if you are already pregnant.

So, Hobby Lobby wants to opt out government mandated essential medical care coverage they have somehow managed to confused with abortions. Fine. I don’t want the government to  subsidize oil companies, while Exxon and Shell turn in record profits. I also don’t want to pay for the imprisonment of people serving sentences for minor drug crimes. But I don’t get to opt out of that section of my taxes just because I don’t like what the government does with the money. Yes, I would rather my taxes went to things like education rather than defense, but there isn’t a box where I can check “books not bazookas” because I don’t get to earmark my taxes.

But you know where I can earmark how my money is used. In my 401k retirement investment account.

And so can Hobby Lobby.

As a company with such sincere, closely held religious beliefs I would assume they took a good look at where they were investing. After all, Hobby Lobby took this suit to the Supreme Court of the United State of America because their First Amendment Rights were being trampled on. It’s pretty easy to figure out where your money is being invested. In fact, Hobby Lobby is required to know where their money is invested for the benefit of their employees. Somehow these sincerely held religious beliefs didn’t come into play until it was brought to their attention that contraceptive coverage was costing Hobby Lobby money. It certainly didn’t appear to be an issue for  Hobby Lobby when the company was investing 73 million dollars (or 75%) of the company’s 401k plans in nine companies like Teva and Pfizer, both who make and sell the contraceptives they are allowed to opt out of paying for.

Maybe they didn’t know that is where their 401k investments were placed?

Maybe not.

Things fall through the cracks.

But I find it interesting that a company who is willing to take an issue to the highest court in the land didn’t at least take a gander at where the company’s 401k plan, that Hobby Lobby very generously matches I might add, was being invested.

This inconsistency leads me to the most crucial issue (for me at least), of this ruling. How are we ever going to determine a “sincerely held” religious belief? I can’t even determine if the guy I went out with last night really meant it when he said he’d call. Clearly, Hobby Lobby voiced this “sincerely held” belief, but they weren’t exactly practicing what they were very loudly preaching. And unless the Supreme Court has a direct line to St. Peter, there is no way to know if a “sincerely held” religious belief is truly that.

With this ruling, the Supreme Court has made discriminating against someone with a uterus legal, just because their employer has a vague understanding of the medicine behind a type of contraception. Stopping access to contraceptives isn’t going to stop people from having abortions, which seems to be Hobby Lobby’s goal. Instead it leads to a host of unintended consequences, which I won’t bore you with just now.

Instead I’ll leave you with one of my Junior High School teacher’s favorite sayings was “My rights end where your nose begins.” Congratulations Supreme Court, you’ve managed to punch me in the uterus and call it protection of someone else’s First Amendment Rights.

 

 

 

Citations

Click to access 13-354_olp1.pdf

Hobby Lobby’s Hypocrisy: The Company’s Retirement Plan Invests in Contraception Manufacturers

http://www.forbes.com/sites/rickungar/2014/04/01/hobby-lobby-401k-discovered-to-be-investor-in-numerous-abortion-and-contraception-products-while-claiming-religious-objection/

 

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New Year’s Resolutions… Are not for everyone!

16 Jan

I don’t know about you, but I’ve never had a New Year’s Resolution that has actually stuck. I, like nearly everyone else, went out into the first week of January ready to tackle my resolution only to be defeated somewhere around the third week of January, if I even made it that far.

One year I decided to send a card every week to someone just to let them know I was thinking about them? Yeah… ask my friends how many cards they got. I’m not even sure that I sent any.

Once in high school I decided I was going to stop eating carbs. About halfway through an East End Pizza on January 3rd, I remembered that resolution.

Another time I decided I was going to write every day. That was basically cheating. No, it was cheating. There is no basically about it. I’ve kept a journal nearly everyday of my life since I was in first grade. Yes, way to go! You’ve resolved to do something you already do!

I’m sorry what was that? I can’t hear you over the thundering applause of my grand accomplishment of keeping a New Year’s Resolution.

I’ve probably made a million other New Year’s resolutions that I don’t even remember making! Clearly, they didn’t stick.

Those resolutions didn’t last because I was looking for a quick fix to something in my life that I wasn’t actually invested in changing or improving. Maybe it was something that needed to be changed and I knew it, but I wasn’t ready to let go of a bad habit. Maybe it was something I thought I should be doing because my friends were doing it ( i.e. Yes, my NY’s resolution will also be to lose 20 lbs because that is so-and-so’s resolution and they are slimmer than I, so clearly I also need to lose 20 lbs too. Scratch that– make it 30lbs.)

Brilliant. Very, brilliant.

However, at other non-New Year’s points in my life I’ve made real changes that have stuck. Many non-New Year’s resolutions have lasted much longer than I ever imagined.

  • On Thanksgiving ten years ago I  became a vegetarian, something I never, in my wildest turkey-salad eating dreams never even contemplated. My vegetarianism stuck because I decided I was going to do something that was healthy for myself and the planet. And even though my favorite part of Thanksgiving is the turkey salad my Mamaw made out of leftovers, I haven’t had it since.
  • Five years ago I started doing yoga because I had injured myself running and couldn’t train for a marathon, but I still needed exercise. The closest pool was not close at all, and I could only tolerate so much weight lifting and elliptical-ing before I was bored out of my skull. AND there was a donation only yoga studio two blocks from my house. As a broke grad student this seemed like a win, even though I had tried yoga a few times and had never gotten into it. I figured I would do yoga “since it is supposed to be good for you” until my injury healed and I could run again. Now I’m in yoga at least 3 days a week because outside of the health benefits, it keeps me calm and centered in all aspects of my life.
  • And the most recent resolution that I’ve made seems to have real staying power. Three months ago I decided I was going to bloom where I am planted… In California. My whole life “blooming where I’m planted” has been my mantra. If I was going to be somewhere for a month, or 6 years, that didn’t matter. I was going to invest in the people and the place. But my California move was hard. There was a lot of disappointment and frustration in my personal life that I blamed on California. And like the song says “I know California ain’t to blame”, but I needed to blame someone and California was going to be scapegoat. But what I didn’t blame on California were the amazing successes I’ve had since moving here, and in order to give California it’s due, I had to change my perspective. With that perspective change has come a host of realizations about the abundant blessings I have actually seen in my personal life since becoming a California resident.

So if you are trying to start something, or stop something this New year and you are feeling frustrated, evaluate your resolution: Are you doing it because you want to? Are you doing it because you think you need to? Will this resolution that is leaving you hungry (maybe literally, but more likely figuratively) add quality to your life? If the answer is no, then STOP. Real change happens because you want it; because it makes you feel better.

If you’re one of the people that New Year’s Resolutions really work for then I applaud you. And I’m kind of jealous because I do love the idea of a clean slate, a magic tick of the clock that is a reset button, a new year laying open and full of promise. But if you’re like me and something about a resolution rings false, as if you’re searching for something to change, to improve, or to stop doing and you’re just picking a random slip of paper from a hat without much thought then I encourage you to look back on your life. I am pretty sure you’ll find moments when you’ve made real change that you can be proud of.

So be kind to yourself and stop thinking that you can’t keep a  resolution.

You can.

Your New Year just starts on a different date. I know mine always have 🙂

 

A Resolution We Can All Keep

2 Jan

Now is the time of year when everyone is making strides to improve their lives and better themselves. While betterment is always a good thing, sometimes I feel like this time of year sets people up to feel like failures when they miss a couple of trips to the gym after resolving to go every day or they eat fries instead of a salad at lunch.

That is why this year my resolution is to be kinder than necessary. Not only to others, but to myself as well.

  • Be kind to others. We’ve all heard this cautionary phrase, “You never know what another person is dealing with until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.”  We never really know what is on the path that others are walking. Your best friend may be struggling with something she can’t bring herself to talk about and that is why she forgets your birthday. Your co-worker maybe dealing with the break-up of a marriage and that is why he is making errors in his reports. The clerk at the grocery store has probably been standing all day, so forgive them if they are less than enthusiastic, they may have a long day ahead of them.
  • Be kind to yourself. We live in a world that is always telling us we aren’t good enough. That we’d be better if we were cleverer, thinner, had straighter hair, made more money, or had done this instead of that. That is all nonsense. Who you are is enough. What you bring to this world is valuable. Stop beating yourself for texting an ex, skipping the gym, or making the wrong decision. When that inner monologue starts that seems to say nothing but “You don’t work hard enough. You aren’t pretty enough. You should have done this instead. You’re not good at your job and you’re going to get fired.”  STOP! Imagine your best friend saying those things about herself. Would you let her get away with putting herself down? Of course not. You know why? Because it’s not true. You know how hard you work. You know that you beautiful, smart and have a lot to offer. Be kind and remind yourself of that all year long.

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What’s with the Menorah?

16 Dec

image

Continue reading →

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ThanksLiving

10 Dec

Last night I was taking a yoga class and the teacher used the word “Thanksliving”. 

Yes, you read that correctly. Thanks-LIVING. Her premise was that it’s great to spend a day being thankful, but really thankfulness should be a lifestyle. I agree with that sentiment.

Whole-heartedly.

I try to be mindful everyday for all that I have, but like everyone else, I get bogged down with being stressed about work, buying the right Christmas present, and being so busy running here, there and yon, that I forget to be thankful for all that I have;

Thankful for a job that occasionally causes me stress, but more often leaves me energized.

Thankful for the disposable income I have that allows me to buy presents for my friends and family.

Thankful for the busyness that keeps my evenings and weekends booked: the friends I get to see, the yoga classes that make my mornings a little rushed, and the organizations I’m involved in that give back to the community even when they leave me struggling to wake up for an early morning yoga class because I was up too late the night before.

As we ride the Thanksgiving tide up through the glittering lights of Christmas I’m making a concerted effort to carry the spirit of Thankfulness, not just through the holidays, but all year long. This year, my New Year’s Resolution is starting early. Everyday I’m going to write down one thing, place, person, or experience for which I’m thankful. My own Thanks-Living Project if you will.  And in times when life seems to be getting heavy I’ll have a visual reminder (as if I really need one) of all that I have for which to be thankful. 

After all, it isn’t the happy people who are thankful. It’s the thankful people who are happy. 

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Dancing in the Sunlight

30 Jul

The first time I was in the car with my sister and a song came on that reminded her of an ex-boyfriend and she snapped the radio off with a vengeance I thought she was crazy.

“It’s just a song.” I said.

“It reminds me of him and I don’t want to hear it.” she said in a voice that left no room for debate.

Okay… Crazy. I thought. How can a song make you feel so bad? Its just a song. And one I like and wanted to listen to! Hmmph!

Over the years this same thing has happened countless times with other people with varying degrees of passion. Friends leaving the dance floor when “their song” of a “their” they were no longer a part of played. Hastily changed radio stations when the wrong song came on were common post-break-up. And polite requests to skip that track on the CD were honored with little grumbling.

And I never got it.

I’d never felt a need to change the song as a result of memories attached to it. Actually, I always loved how songs could take you back instantly to a different place, in another time, with other people.

That was until Wagon Wheel rolled into my life. It was New Year’s Eve and I spent the night dancing to OCMS and Sundy Best with someone who over the course of a year became more important to me than I realized until they were gone.

And try as I might I couldn’t listen to one of my favorite songs, because as soon as I heard it, I was back dancing around a room in their arms, or laying on a beach holding their hand, or cuddled up talking about the way we saw the world.

And it was painful.

It felt like I was being smothered, until I managed to hit the skip button.

And I hated myself for being so weak. For needing to skip the song and escape the memories. I wanted to be able to remember the moments that were perfect, and lovely. I didn’t want to feel sad, or miffed, or rejected when I heard a song that always before had inspired dancing.

Then one day a great thing happened.

I was walking down the boardwalk with two friends in Pacific Beach and a street performer started playing Wagon Wheel.

And I didn’t stick my fingers in my ears and run. Instead, I grabbed my friends hands and we danced. We danced in the sunlight to a song that before had shrouded me in darkness. I made a new memory. A better memory.

Sometimes we have to sit in the dark before we can dance in the sunlight.

Dancing on the PB Boardwalk to Wagon Wheel. <3

Dancing on the PB Boardwalk to Wagon Wheel. ❤

Graduation: What I wish I had heard

4 Jun

As school graduations are occurring in droves, I’m reminded of my own college graduation a few years ago. I had such high hopes for the speaker. He was a fellow Transylvania University graduate, a good 40 years my senior, but a Transy grad nonetheless! And Transy people love a good hall party, the kissing tree, raffling off chances to sleep in a tomb, and other Transy people. I expected to hear all kinds of inspiring words:

“Be the change you wish to see in the world.”

“Marry adventure!”

“Take the road less traveled.”

“Write your own story.”

Cliche, sure. But inspiring nonetheless.

I heard none of that. Instead we got to hear all about the research our speaker had done on the Holocaust. While not usually a subject covered during graduation it is certainly fascinating under normal circumstances. However, he managed to make learning how sand becomes glass the enthralling topic I wish he’d been speaking on. He might have saved his lecture, because it wasn’t a speech, by saying something like, “Don’t be a follower! Always be a force for good.” or something meant to spur graduating seniors to action.

But he didn’t.

So I’ve decided to write down what I would have liked to have heard at my graduation instead of what I got: a solid 20 minute nap.

  1. Don’t sleep too much. Everyone needs rest, but you can miss half your life sleeping until noon. Get up. Go for a run. Read the paper. Get to your office early. I get more done between 7:00 and 10:00 than I do all day. Mostly because no one is there to bother me. And I get to leave for happy hour earlier.
  2. Have conversations. Talk to strangers. You never know who will be sitting beside you on the airplane, bus, or bar stool. Take out your earbuds and talk to them. They might be crazy, but more often than not, they will be interesting. They may not complete you, but certainly your afternoon will be better for learning about someone new. And who knows, they might be the love of your life, your new best friend, or you might be their next boss.
  3. Dwell in possibility. One of the best things my parents ever did was encourage me to imagine all the possibilities that could arise. I got a degree in sustainability because I believed it was possible, maybe not probable, but possible that I could convince businesses that sustainability was good for their companies. And I’ve managed to do just that, miracle of miracles!
  4. Read. I don’t care what you read, just that you read. Reading expands your mind! It transports you to another place and exposes you to different people more quickly than the Concord (do people still know what the Concord is?)  You’ll never regret the hours you spent lost in a book, but you will regret the days you lost to Kim Kardashian’s wedding drama. I know, because I spent at least a month after graduating sitting around watching reality TV.
  5. Save your money. I know it isn’t sexy, but open a retirement account and ACTUALLY put money in it. At first you might think, I could have bought a new dress with that $50 I put into my IRA, but in a few years, you’ll have a nice little pile of money that you can swim around in like Scrooge McDuck (figuratively of course, because it is all in the bank). Also, keep an emergency stash. You never know when you are going to dump a cup of water on to your keyboard and have to buy a new computer. Twice. In three months.
  6. Hang out with your family. They wont always be around. You’ll eventually be parted by distance, busy schedules, health, etc… And you will miss being able to swing by just to say “Hey!” or meet up for dinner. If you are lucky your actual family is awesome and you like hanging out with them. If not, create your own family. Families come in all shapes and sizes and none of them are perfect, but they will always have your back.
  7. Don’t be stubborn. If you are going down a path that isn’t working, change it. There is no shame in making a course correction. Don’t be so foolish as to think that just because you have chosen one way, that you have to keep struggling if it turns out you made a bad decision. You don’t always have to be right. This applies to relationships, careers, hobbies, education, hiking, everything.
  8. That being said: Be strong willed. Don’t give up just because something is challenging for a season. Challenges build character and give you the skills to navigate rough waters. But be smart enough to know the difference between a challenging season, and an immovable boulder that you’ll just keep pushing against, but never be able to move.
  9. Don’t expect praise. Its the real world and people aren’t going to praise you for doing your job. They probably wont praise you for going above and beyond your job either. But they will reward you with raises, promotions and bonuses. Talk is cheap, but raises are not.
  10. Accept responsibility. If you mess up, own it. Say you are sorry and do what you can to make it right. If you’re lucky enough to have a team that works for you and they mess up, own it. Don’t blame them, even if the mistake was their fault. You are in charge. Act like it.
  11. Give credit. One of my biggest regrets is not giving credit where it was due. When people work hard, they should be recognized, and unfortunately, they wont often be. You know it feels great when someone sees how hard you’ve worked. Do that for someone else when you can.
  12. Use good grammar. If you didn’t pay attention in elementary school, I suggest you buy a book that will teach you grammar, and that you reference it until exceptional grammar becomes a habit. I automatically assume that someone is stupid when I receive something written with poor grammar or hear an “I” when it should have been “me”. You aren’t stupid. Don’t write or speak like you are.
  13. Have fun. Not all aspects of life are fun. Taking out the garbage is decidedly un-fun. But most of life is fun, or at least it should be. Laugh with your friends. Wear weird wigs. Drink bourbon. Call your Mom. Do yoga. Travel. Tell the funny stories. Play with your pets. Read books. Eat chocolate for breakfast occasionally. Celebrate Tuesdays. Get lost and find something cool. Smell flowers. Run through the sprinkler. And be the kind of person with whom you would want to be friends.
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