A few weeks ago I had dinner with my girl friends and somehow we got onto the subject of whether or not social media and the incessant noise of “Shelia liked your picture, Ben commented on your photo, Nina is feeling ‘excited’ –starry eyed emoticon– about her date” etc… ad nauseam made the four of us, personally, less happy. There is plenty of research that says in general the ol’ FB is making people less happy, but I was curious if my friends felt like it actually did just that.
They all three said “Yes.”
I was shocked. For me personally, I don’t find that social media makes me less happy, so when my beautiful, smart, accomplished friends said they agreed I wanted to know why.
One friend commented that “Facebook is where everyone presents the very best version of themselves. It can’t possibly be real, and I know that, but it makes me feel like my life can’t compare.”
It was this idea of presenting the “best version” of one’s self that got me thinking, because…
Don’t we always put the best version of ourselves out to the world?
Or at least attempt to?
Most people aren’t going to show up at a job interview wearing dirty clothes. You aren’t going to meet your boyfriends parents wearing the same outfit you would to a Vegas club, (unless his parents own a night club… in which case, I’ve got some great platforms you can borrow). Most of us aren’t going to give our boss the middle finger when he says he needs us work on a project over the weekend. And, *hopefully*, you aren’t going to pick your nose in public and wipe the boogie under a table.
Of course everyone has moments of frustration when their best self is no where to be found and the exasperated, impatient, less than polite alter ego is the one driving the train to crazy town. If you’re anything like me, this is the point where my alter ego is flying through my veins, like a train with failing brakes coming down a mountain, using my steam whistle-esque mouth to yell at the poor guy who had the unfortunate privilege of answering my call to the airlines customer service counter.
This isn’t my best self. It isn’t someone I am proud of. It certainly isn’t the me that I’m going to put on Facebook or Instagram and proudly proclaim, “Yep! That’s me reducing a call center worker to tears!” #feelingaccomplished 🙂
The reality, at least for me, is that had my Dad, my Grandmother, my friends, Ms. Crumb (my childhood Sunday School Teacher who my Mom was forever saying “Would you do that in front of Ms. Crumb?” if I was doing something naughty) or even another human within earshot who could recount this less than glowing review of my behavior, I would have been calmer. I would have been more polite. I would probably not have quite the subtraction from my universal Karma account… But because I was alone and the no one near me spoken English I acted ugly.
No one sets out to be this ugly person. It just happens sometimes, regardless of how diligently one tries to put their best foot forward.
And social media is just an extension of that. We are all trying to put our best foot forward. No one wants the wobbly bits, the relationship failures, the second guessings of decisions, the work concerns, the frustrations that we all face in daily life to be showcased. Most of us certainly aren’t going to showcase them ourselves.
So instead we compare ourselves to what we see on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. We see one snippet of a life and because that sliver is pink we assume that everything is rosey. And if by chance we don’t have a similar snippet of pink; the great job, the cute kids doing funny things, the exciting social life, an exotic vacation, or whatever, we assume we are doing something wrong.
Why does a missing piece feel like a failure for some people?
Is this what happens to people who grew up in the age of everyone gets a trophy and no one loses at T-Ball because everyone wins? Do we think that if our lives don’t match our Facebook friends’ lives then somehow we are less than?
I’m not a psychologist. I’m not a sociologist. Or a counselor, a therapist or someone who does research in any of these areas. Quite frankly, I’m not qualified in any scholastic way to comment about how the use of social media impacts our life and our perceptions.
But what I am is a person who uses social media.
A LOT.
I have 2 Facebook accounts, supporting 4 Facebook pages and countless groups. I have two Instagram profiles and three Twitter handles. Name an online dating site and I’ve probably tried it. And I keep two blogs.
I am excessively engaged in social media regardless of how much I want to pretend I am “unplugged”. Hey, after all, my Facebook headline is a picture of my feet and a sign that says ‘Unplug’, and if the ol’ FB says it, it must be true, right?
My point, is merely that it’s not Facebook that makes people less happy, it is the incessant comparing of our lives to the lives of our peers.
Comparing ourselves to other people is nothing new. We’ve been doing it since the first caveman added that addition with the walk-in saber-tooth tiger freeezer, and I don’t see it ceasing anytime prior to the Earth exploding.
Facebook didn’t create comparisons. But it did make it easier.
The first time I remember comparing myself to someone else I was 5 years old.
FIVE!
I wore glasses, Whitney did not. I was obviously doing better than Whitney because I had a cool fashion accessory while she did not.
I did not understand “cool”.
Imagine my dismay when I learned that glasses weren’t cool, being blind was not a desirable trait, and no one envied my Mickey Mouse specs.
OH THE SHAME!
Not really. I still loved my glasses and cried when I didn’t need to wear them anymore. Clearly, I still wasn’t getting “cool”.
But what I did “get” from that experience was that I’m wasn’t always going to be doing what my friends were doing when they were doing it. And as I got older I realized that putting myself on their timeline was crazy. Because what made sense for other people and their lives didn’t make sense for me and my life.
And I had to live with my life. Not theirs.
My point is, life is beautiful. And amazing. Even when its cruel and hard. And keep sharing the funny pictures and lovely moments that make you happy because so much of what fills up a feed is difficult and hard.
And just remember, while you are silently stalking someone’s Facebook thinking “WOW! They are having a blast!” someone is thinking the same thing about you.
No one is killing it in every area.
I promise.
They are just putting their best face forward.
Criggerpalooza! 